Spanking

I know Caleb will sooner or later need spanking, or we Asians call it “caning”. It’s just that I am not sure how to do it and when. And then I’ve come to this book called “Shepherding a Child’s Heart” written by Tedd Tripp and read about the spanking topic that he has written there. I would love to share this information with you and to give my opinion as well.

Here’s the 3 important things that I have noted:

When to do it?

 It is when you have given a direction to your child, he has heard you, and has the capability to understand your direction but refuse to obey without excuse or delay, he needs spanking.

How to do it?

First, he needs a private place. Because it is important not to humiliate the child by doing it in front of other people. We need to respect his privacy as well. (oh yes, kids understand what shame is. Even Caleb now who is 23 months old has developed shyness around strangers now and I’m sure by the time he needs spanking, he is at the age where he knows what shame is.) And then you need to explain what he has done wrong and get him to acknowledge that he has done wrong and then tell him that is why he needs to be spanked.

Remind him that you spank not because you are angry but because you want to restore him to the right place where blessings from God comes to those who obey.

Tell him how many spankings he will receive (this is important for u too so that you won't lose control of yourself)

After spanking is done, hug him and tell him that you love him and it makes you sad that you need to spank and hopes you won't need to do it again. And then pray with him.

I know..I know..it's not easy, right? Even when I was reading it, I thought to myself "wow...can I do that?"

Why we need to do it

It is simply because it is God's command. Because the blessing and long life comes from obeying parents. By spanking, we restore our child from dishonoring God to blessings.

Tripp also explained that spanking cannot be replaced by time out. At this point, I have to say that I disagree with him. I think we need to see what kind of disobedience that the child has done. I haven't done spanking/caning Caleb so far. I am giving him time-out for disobedience. To me, spanking will take place only if the child does something that dishonor (show no respect) to parents. It is more to moral behaviour to me. What do you think?

The eye level talk

This method has been working well so far.
Instead of yelling, shouting to your kid, kneel down until you are at the same height as him, having eye to eye talk.To get his attention, squeeze his arm but don't hurt him, just enough to get him sees your eyes and then say what's your point, e.g. "you cannot draw on the chair, ok?" and teach him to reply "ok" to you. He will listen to you because he feels respected.

I told my hubby to try this technique. I told him that it works for me. So he tried.
and it worked. :)

DISCIPLINING OUR TODDLERS

I have been reading some information regarding this and I have been thinking about how I would discipline my own kid, and I thought it would be good to share what have come to my knowledge and my experience. But please, I am no expert, I just want to share with you. Please also log on to other resourceful websites like www.babycenter.com or www.supernanny.co.uk . I find it useful.

These are the information that I gather from my research:

The meaning of discipline:

It is a form of teaching our kids, not punishment

The principle:

1. Consistency: Whatever method you’re using, be consistent to use it everytime your kid needs to be disciplined

2. No lecture, a firm “no” and a quick explanation like “that’s dangerous” or “that’s not yours”. Sometimes a toddler needs to hear this “no” a hundred times before he gets the message. I witnessed it myself. After many times saying ‘NO’ to Caleb for the same thing he did, and he did it again the next day and the next day and so on, he finally understood and stopped. Nowadays he would point to our Christmas ornament in the tree and said ‘No’ (he used to want to touch or hit or drop the ornament)
3. No hitting/spanks/slaps

The books and websites I read saying that this only make the kids feel threatened and not learning anything other than being afraid of you. One mommy told me she regretted spanking her kid, coz later on her kid learned to spank and throw anything if he gets upset.

I honestly have not decided yet whether I would use this. My own pastor use cane to discipline his kids. But hitting is advised not to use our hand (physical contact), but use a stick/cane. It is because if you use physical contact, your kid will be afraid of you, but if you use cane he will be afraid of the thing and not you. And never do it out of anger (emotionally). The cane should not be too hard on them but not too soft, but just enough to let them know that his behaviour is unacceptable. Again, I have not decided yet since this is still not necessary for Caleb.

The methods:

1. Face the wall

Send the kid to face the wall for a period of time (2-3 minutes) when he gets out of control, or doing something unacceptable. I did it a few times. But actually it didn’t really work because caleb still didn’t understand why he was asked to face the wall and so he refused to stay facing the wall unless I hold his body still, by then his cries would be even lauder because he was confused.

2. Naughty corner

Send him to a corner/chair specially created when he misbehaved for a period of time (2-3 minutes). I Never did this because:

# I don’t think Caleb can sit still or stay there for the time given

# I don’t like the name “naughty corner”, it is as if I label my own son as naughty. Because I don’t believe he is naughty, he just sometimes make mistakes, but he is NOT naughty. And I also do not want him to think he is a naughty kid as well.

3. Time Out

Usually children understand this concept when they reach 3 years old. The concept of time out is to give some time for the kid to be able to calm down after a tantrum or anger. Again, it is not to punish.

I recently just used this method and it worked. But instead of sending him alone to his room, I went in with him and stay with him until he calmed down.

What I would do to discipline my kid:

For a first time misbehaved action, I would give him a warning by saying “no” and give him a reason ‘That’s not a toy’ or something. If he continued what he was doing, I would get down to his eye level, squeeze his hand but not hurting him, just enough to get his attention to me and then I will say say ‘no’ again and distract him. By the 3^rd time, I would proceed to the method (which last time I did it with ‘face the wall’.

For a repeated misbehaviour, I would directly make an action instead of saying no again. For example, he draw on our furniture instead on his paper although he had been told not to for a several times, I would take his crayons and keep it for a few days (but not too long that he forgets about it).

My experience using a time-out:

Last two weeks, Caleb was playing near our Christmas tree and suddenly he took an umbrella and I just knew he what he was going to do, so I told him “no, you cannot hit the tree”. But he didn’t listen. He hit the tree. I gave him another firm ‘No’ and he did it again and this time 2 ornaments dropped from the Christmas tree. I walked towards him and he just knew he was in trouble for not listening to me, so he cried before I even did anything or even reached him. By the time I reached him, he cried louder. I grabbed his hand and brought him to his room.

He sat down on his bed (we had a queen sized bed laying on the floor), still crying. I was sitting near the door and I told him ‘you need to calm down, Caleb’, but he didn’t calm down, he was crying even louder and confused why I didn’t come and hug him or carry him or help him calm down. So he tried to reach me to hug me, he even went behind me and hugged me from behind, I swear my heart melted but I had to remain firm. He needed to learn his lesson and learn to be able calm down by himself.

I told him again ‘I’m not leaving you, Caleb. But you need to calm down’ (in a loving tone)

He went to sit on the bed again, still crying.

I told him again ‘When you calm down, I will hug you and we can go out again’

He stopped crying.

And the moment he stopped crying, I praised him “good! See you calm down and stop crying”. The instance I said “good! See you calm down”, he looked a bit surprised and then he smiled, hugged me and I hugged him too, to let him know that he is forgiven and mommy loves him J

I took it that he was surprised that calming down is something good to do that deserves praise. I really hoped he understood.

After the hug, I asked him”do you want to say sorry to mommy”, and so he said sorry and we both went out the room.

Disciplining my lil boy

Over the past few weeks, it has been a tough struggle on us to go outing with Caleb.
He would act like...so uncontrollable! He did this only when we go out.. at home he is one sweet boy.
well okay..how uncontrollable?
On the MRT.. he would refuse to sit on his stroller. he would scream and scream and scream until we get him out of it. if we didn't get him out, he could manage to get himself out of the seat belt and standing on the stroller!!! (tips: when u purchase a stroller, choose the one with the seatbelt which covers both shoulder, not just the waist area!).
If we get him out, do you think he will sit quietly on my lap? NO!
he wants to walk around the mrt. He again would scream if I didn't let him. If I carry him, he would wrestle me, arch his back..and Omg..he is one little strong boy (well, he is CALEB..meaning: a mighty warrior!), I hurt my wrist last week because of wrestling with him!
Definetely it's a 'make a scene' one everytime we are on MRT! people staring... maybe thinking "naughty boy" ... or "lucky my son is nothing like that" hee..honestly I'm not sure whether they really think that way..maybe it's just me being embarrased..but definetely this people are bothered by the noise that Caleb made!

And then when we get into our destination, he also wants to walk..alone! without holding my hand. He walks like a king who owns the street..definetely blocking people's way!
If we carry him, he again will cry and scream and wrestle us. sigh..

When we have our meals on the restaurant, he will only sit on his highchair..15 mins is the most..and he will make so much mess! he will take chopsticks, tissues, spoon and throw them everywhere on the floor! After 15 mins, he will cry in boredom and ask to walk around again.

These have of course ruined our outing..and we, the parents, couldn't enjoy what is called our hang out days..we had even started to feel so discouraged to go out again. This is when we realized we have to do something about it. And so we plan to do this: DISCIPLINE!

The plan is to make Caleb sit on stroller and behaves well whenever we are on the mrt and in whatever situation that requires him to sit properly. Of course, I thought to myself..this would not be easy. He would definetely cry and cry and cry...and we, the parents, need to stay firm and be consistent...meaning: we cant let him cry on day 1 and tomorrow we get him out from stroller..inconsistency will make it worse..coz he will think that his cry is a weapon to get what he wants. So for the whole last week we trained him every evening, we would go somewhere nearby home..whether to the park, grocery etc..but we make it that every evening we will go out just for the sake to train caleb. Surprisingly, he didn't cry or scream as much as on the mrt. to our surpise too..the training wasn't even as tough as we predicted. So we think..maybe because when he was on the stroller, we kept pushing the stroller and he got to see different view along the way that distarct him. but on the mrt, the stroller will not move and he has to sit there with the same view. I cant train him on MRT!!I just don't know how long I can stand the crying with people staring at me..people will think why the mommy never do something to make the child stop crying??

Unfortunately, yesterday we had a dinner invitation. My hubby had 2 meetings in a row in the afternoon so I had to leave with Caleb alone. Honestly, I had no plan how I would handle the situation if Caleb is making a scene again. So when I was about to leave the house, I said to caleb: Kay, we are going to have dinner outside. we are going to take mrt and I need you to sit well on your stroller until we reach to the restaurant. You cannot cry, scream etc. Sit until we reach there, okay.
you know what..I dont know whether he meant what he said, but he did say "okay". I have no idea whether he understood or he just anyhow say ok whenever I ask him 'ok?'.
On the way to MRT, I said in my heart "Jesus, I may have no control over this situation, but I believe You, God, take control of every situation that is out of my hands and so I believe You will take control of Caleb and I know You can change him"

It has been 2 days now, 2 outings so far..going and coming back home and at the restaurant.. Caleb behaves well. he sits. and stays sit until we reach to our destination. No screaming and crying or making any scene. And if he fuss abit.. I remind him he has to sit. And he just suddenly is satisfied with the raisins I give him as a snack a long the way at mrt.

I don't know if the discipline training over the past whole week really works well on him.. or the things I said to him, he understood and obeyed..but one thing I'm sure is..that God is in control. He has changed my boy..now he is one sweet boy not only at home but also outside.
Now everytime I'm going out, I will talk to him first about he has to sit and that he has to behave well...and of course I tell myself "God is in control, relax..!"

Sometimes we tend to forget how to surrender to God...
parenting is tough. disciplining our child is a tough job. as he gets older, there will be more discipline training for him. we often use many techinques, tips etc...it's not wrong to do that..but remember...by surrending to God, we allow Him to take control of every situation..He takes control of our child too.